Do You Believe?

My head is spinning right now and I’m going to do my best to make this post make sense.

I went to the movie theatre today to see Step Up. To my surprise, after buying my ticket and snacks, I learned that the movie times I had viewed were incorrect and I had to choose a different movie. I decided to see If I Stay.

Usually I watch those kinds of movies in the privacy of my apartment. I never know quite how I’m going to react and am typically too shy to show my reactions in public. For some reason, today I went anyways.

I don’t usually discuss the goings on in my head, particularly when it comes to thoughts of life and death, because I brought them up several times to different therapists when I was young and was told that children shouldn’t think of those things. I don’t know whether other people contemplate the world in the same way that I do or not, but I’m going to put it out there, and if you think I’m nuts, so be it.

One of the first thoughts I had when I was little (at least one of the first thoughts that I could remember) was that we were all parts of someone else’s story. I wondered if we were characters in a giant videogame or if we were playing roles in a movie. It seemed like we had free will, but what if someone else was calling all the shots? After all, we’ve all done things we swore we’d never do.

When I was about 3 years old, my grandfather and my great grandfather both passed away. I didn’t fully grasp it at the time, but I had some ideas of what death was. I used to go out into the driveway and blow bubbles up towards the sky. I’d try to get the bubbles all the way to heaven so that my grandfather and great grandfather would have something to play with while they waited for more family members to join them. I thought of heaven as most television portrayals: a castle of clouds and everything you dream of (except your loved ones)... And in my mind, I saw my family members being given the ability to come back to earth to watch over us and love us. I didn’t believe in ghosts, but I believed the spirits lingered.

As I got older, I contemplated what you feel when you die. Is it like going to sleep? Is there something after or is there nothing? Is it like being in a sensory deprivation chamber for all of eternity or is heaven real? It took me a long time to realize that the only people who knew those answers were people who could never answer them. I had to choose what I believed in and have confidence in my choice. With my massive phobia of death, I had to choose the belief that would ease my mind as much as humanly possible.

I chose to believe in spirits and signs and the ability to communicate without actually talking to someone. When I was a junior in high school, my great grandmother got very sick. I wasn’t allowed to see her, because it was too risky. I could have gotten very sick because of my auto-immune disease. She was my hero; my everything. I loved her to infinity and back. The day she passed away, I had a bad feeling. I was at the hospital she was at and I begged my mom to let me go see her. When all my pleas failed, I went to the restroom and attempted to communicate with her telepathically (no, I don’t believe in telepathy per say, but I do believe that if you try hard enough to tell someone that you love something important, the message gets through). I stomped on the floor to get her attention, and I told her how much I loved her. I told her how much I wanted to be by her side, holding her hand and giving her hugs, but that I couldn’t be. I told her she would always be my hero... then I wiped my tears, washed my face, and went home. Today I know that what happened was for the best. It was better for me to tell her all this while imagining the healthy woman I knew than to tell her while looking at her wasting away in a hospital bed on her final day.

That night, we got the call and my world stopped. I began to doubt everything I ever thought about life and death. I began to wonder if heaven was real and I was so afraid that I would lose her forever. I did something that night that I thought I would never do. With my mom and grandmother by my side, I went to say goodbye to my great grandmother.

I never told anyone this before, but when I touched her cheek and felt the coldness, I knew that in some way, I was right. Her soul wasn’t in that body. I was touching a shell... she was still out there; and she still is today. When it was time for her funeral, we did something that no one is supposed to do in our religion: we sent her to heaven with everything she would need. I gave her a picture from my junior prom and set of power beads (I have one for each of my grandparents and one for myself), we tucked her in with a blanket, put on her reading glasses, gave her a book and a nightlight... everyone in our family put something in. My little cousin put in her pink baby; a doll that had gone everywhere with her since the day she was born. I don’t think I need any more confirmation that there’s a heaven.

That being said, confirmations still come. Signs come to me in all shapes and sizes. I had a friend in high school who was diagnosed with cancer. He was eccentric and fun and definitely one of a kind. The day he passed on, three long years after his fight began, it snowed. It was 43 degrees outside. I simply smiled. I knew he was letting me know that he was okay... moreover, I was imagining all the havoc he was undoubtedly reeking on heaven and how much zanier heaven would be with him in it. Ever since, any time I need to know something (good or bad), something zany happens with the weather. I’ve had it be torrentially downpouring on one side of the building and sunny on the other, I’ve experienced streets so flooded that my car practically floated down them, and so much more. And of course, it rains like crazy every year on his birthday.

My first day back at work after Carol passed was incredibly hard for me; but somehow, she kept letting me know that she was there. My first guest of the day was named Carol. Another one of my guests was from Hicksville, New York (where she lived). Another guest came in with his dog. I’ve never liked dogs, but the last time I was with Carol, her dog was with us. This dog stopped in her tracks and stared at me, wagging her tail. Finally her owner told me that she wouldn’t move on until I acknowledged her. After petting the dog, I began to tear up. I had received three signs from Carol that day.

Last week was difficult for me. The one year anniversary of Don’s passing was on August 21. I was already emotional due to the number of ALS Ice Bucket Challenge videos out there and was feeling sad that all this awareness didn’t exist last year when he was still alive. Even though I was emotional, my day had to go on. When I got to work, my first customer of the day was named Don. His son kept trying to do a duck voice (something my dad does VERY well). Later that day, I met a man (another guest) who needed to take a call during our interaction. I heard him say he was going on an ice run and thought nothing of it. We get a lot of truck drivers at our store... BUT THEN he told me that his brother has ALS and that no less than 300 people were getting together to do a giant ice bucket challenge that afternoon. I started to cry. I showed him a picture of Don and told him just how amazing I thought it was that he was going to do something so big; he just gave me a hug (and surprisingly, I let him).

On Friday, I had an interview for a job promotion that I’ve wanted for a very long time. Something I always admired about Carol was how dedicated she was to her job. I wanted a job that I would love as much as she loved hers. Due to my Aspergers and anxiety, I never have an easy time with interviews, but it’s even harder when it’s a job I’ve been dreaming about for months. After my interview, I was feeling down, as I always am after attempting to do something (like an audition or job interview)... I guess I feel like if I don’t expect anything good to happen, I won’t be let down when it doesn’t. Anyways, after my interview, I went back out on the floor and was approached by a lovely woman. She had just gotten out of the hospital after having a very severe infection which led to severe memory loss. She had been in the store the day before and had purchased an ipad, but needed help setting it up and accessing her passwords. After a short time of helping her, I needed to look up her information. Something had drawn me to her from the moment I saw her, but I didn’t know what it was. Upon entering her telephone number into my computer, I learned that her name was Carol and she lived on Susan road (my mom’s name is Susan and Carol was her friend and co-worker first). Carol then told me that her husband’s name was John (same as my Carol). I pulled out my phone and showed her the background photo, a picture of Carol and I from my graduation. She told me that I should call Carol up and tell her I’d met the Carol of the future (and of Texas). I told her I wished I could. I continued on to tell her that Carol had passed earlier this year but that she makes sure to send me lots of angels.

So, where did all of this come from? I guess the movie got me thinking. I’ve been writing this entry for hours, ever since I got back from the movie... I was even drafting it in my head during some of the scenes. For once, everything just clicked and I realized that yes, I fully believe in the theories I’ve spent most of my life developing and believing in. Heaven is real, angels are real, souls never leave, and signs are certainly real.

I believe.