Time To Get Up and Try Again

So it’s been awhile. A lot of things have happened and every time I started to write, I wasn't sure where to begin or how to go about it. Should I write one horrifically long post that no one will ever finish or several shorter posts that will each be read, but that I will need to order, organize, and prioritize? I chose the later.

First, I want to explain where I went. I lost myself for a bit. I experienced a setback in my life that I couldn’t come to terms with; and when I finally could, I just wanted to forget about it. When I last posted, I wrote of an interview for a job that I really wanted (and honestly felt was mine to lose). Shortly thereafter, I found out that I didn’t get that job. It had nothing to do with my qualifications or my drive; but management didn’t feel that I was “mentally ready”. To me, their reasoning was a crushing blow. 

I’ve worked so hard to become the woman I am today. The “me” from a year ago would not recognize the “me” of today. I am self-reliant, self-assured (for the most part), sociable (or attempting to be), hard-working as always, still honest to a fault, and am gaining self-confidence almost every day. I worked hard to develop good relationships with my co-workers and to establish myself as a leader. Towards the end, I was seeing the fruits of my labor.

It became “MY TEAM... MY DEPARTMENT... MY GUYS” when I was talking. As I said to my general manager: “the department became my baby. I’ve been there the longest and had trained each and every one of the guys on the team. I feel more responsible for what happens in my department because I’ve been the model. When a guest comes back with a problem, I work hard to solve it and always apologize profusely and look for a way to gently remind my peers of a way to prevent the problem from happening again.”

That may not seem important to many people, but it’s a huge step for me. I’ve never had a team before. I’ve never truly been a part of a group that all worked together. Sure, at dance we did group dances, but the other girls always hung out outside of dance, and I was rarely invited. There was an age difference, my mom worked at the studio, and I was not yet versed in the rules of socializing. This job changed my life and gave me a once in a lifetime feeling. A feeling of not only being included, but feeling like a leader.

Losing the leadership job I’d applied for was a crushing blow because I’d been doing it. The person who’d previously held the position had been grooming me to take over, as requested by management. I felt like I’d been doing a great job. I took ownership, I was a leader, I was ready... but they didn’t see it that way. They said I’d made huge strides but that I wasn’t ready yet. They needed to see a longer history of this behavior.

I am ashamed to say I cried right there in the general manager’s office... sobbed actually. After being told I wasn’t mentally ready, I had a breakdown; proving that he was absolutely correct. That stung. I finally excused myself to the ladies room and called my mom; still bawling my eyes out. I told her that I hated myself. I called myself a failure. I think at one point I may have even said I hated having Aspergers (if I didn’t say it, I definitely thought it). She did her best to calm me down and told me that I should be thankful; that my manager was looking out for my best interests. That he wants me to succeed and he was afraid if I got promoted too early, I would fail.

Not believing a word of what I was saying, I went back to his office and reiterated my mother’s feelings. “First, I wanted to thank you for believing in me from the day you met me.” The conversation was long and sappy and since I didn’t believe in it at the time, I didn’t write any of it down for my blog past that first line... but I know I promised not to lose my dedication and to keep doing better.

On our general manager’s first day, he asked us all to write him an email introducing ourselves and talking about the things we loved and hated about working at the store. Below is my response (written on 10-30-13):I want to start by saying that I'm not your typical salesperson. Less than a year ago, I was diagnosed with Autism. Most people my age would use that as an excuse or crutch; a reason for not going after jobs that involve communication or social skills, but not me. I knew, after completing four years of Disabilities Studies in college, that it was late for me to begin receiving therapy for my Autism. Knowing this, I applied for and accepted three jobs that would put me into situations where I was least comfortable; approaching strangers, making small talk, listening to and understanding the needs of others, recognizing when I'm misunderstanding or being misunderstood... all of these things were encompassed in the two retail jobs and one restaurant job I took. 

What I love about my job here are the strides I've made in my communication skills and confidence levels since I started. The four days of sales induction literally changed my life. I learned for the first time how to properly communicate. The role playing conversations that were so foreign and uncomfortable to me on day one were simple by day four. Since returning from my induction, I have flourished. I've received customer compliments and both my family and friends have noticed a vast difference in my communication and socialization skills. 

What I dislike about my job, specifically about working in the cellular phone department, is that my department is like one big clique that I'm not a part of. Even new employees in other departments have noticed that I never seem to be accepted by my direct co-workers. I always feel left out and while I know that work isn't about socializing, it's difficult to work with people who don't seem to like you. Within days, it seems like they've either accepted a newcomer or they've exiled them. Those that are exiled typically don't stick around for very long. I was the exception, but it's getting harder and harder. I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells just to keep things civil with my co-workers, but they sit and joke, laugh, go out to dinner, and all sorts of things all the time. I hope that can change! I vastly appreciate your dedication to Employee Rapport.

Thank you for taking the time to ask us how we feel. I look forward to getting to know you.

Now go back and read the comments I made about my computers team. Look at the amazing growth that occurred in just 11 months. Am I still upset that I didn’t get the job? Of course I am. I felt like I deserved it. That said, it’s time to get up and try again.