Time To Get Up and Try Again

So it’s been awhile. A lot of things have happened and every time I started to write, I wasn't sure where to begin or how to go about it. Should I write one horrifically long post that no one will ever finish or several shorter posts that will each be read, but that I will need to order, organize, and prioritize? I chose the later.

First, I want to explain where I went. I lost myself for a bit. I experienced a setback in my life that I couldn’t come to terms with; and when I finally could, I just wanted to forget about it. When I last posted, I wrote of an interview for a job that I really wanted (and honestly felt was mine to lose). Shortly thereafter, I found out that I didn’t get that job. It had nothing to do with my qualifications or my drive; but management didn’t feel that I was “mentally ready”. To me, their reasoning was a crushing blow. 

I’ve worked so hard to become the woman I am today. The “me” from a year ago would not recognize the “me” of today. I am self-reliant, self-assured (for the most part), sociable (or attempting to be), hard-working as always, still honest to a fault, and am gaining self-confidence almost every day. I worked hard to develop good relationships with my co-workers and to establish myself as a leader. Towards the end, I was seeing the fruits of my labor.

It became “MY TEAM... MY DEPARTMENT... MY GUYS” when I was talking. As I said to my general manager: “the department became my baby. I’ve been there the longest and had trained each and every one of the guys on the team. I feel more responsible for what happens in my department because I’ve been the model. When a guest comes back with a problem, I work hard to solve it and always apologize profusely and look for a way to gently remind my peers of a way to prevent the problem from happening again.”

That may not seem important to many people, but it’s a huge step for me. I’ve never had a team before. I’ve never truly been a part of a group that all worked together. Sure, at dance we did group dances, but the other girls always hung out outside of dance, and I was rarely invited. There was an age difference, my mom worked at the studio, and I was not yet versed in the rules of socializing. This job changed my life and gave me a once in a lifetime feeling. A feeling of not only being included, but feeling like a leader.

Losing the leadership job I’d applied for was a crushing blow because I’d been doing it. The person who’d previously held the position had been grooming me to take over, as requested by management. I felt like I’d been doing a great job. I took ownership, I was a leader, I was ready... but they didn’t see it that way. They said I’d made huge strides but that I wasn’t ready yet. They needed to see a longer history of this behavior.

I am ashamed to say I cried right there in the general manager’s office... sobbed actually. After being told I wasn’t mentally ready, I had a breakdown; proving that he was absolutely correct. That stung. I finally excused myself to the ladies room and called my mom; still bawling my eyes out. I told her that I hated myself. I called myself a failure. I think at one point I may have even said I hated having Aspergers (if I didn’t say it, I definitely thought it). She did her best to calm me down and told me that I should be thankful; that my manager was looking out for my best interests. That he wants me to succeed and he was afraid if I got promoted too early, I would fail.

Not believing a word of what I was saying, I went back to his office and reiterated my mother’s feelings. “First, I wanted to thank you for believing in me from the day you met me.” The conversation was long and sappy and since I didn’t believe in it at the time, I didn’t write any of it down for my blog past that first line... but I know I promised not to lose my dedication and to keep doing better.

On our general manager’s first day, he asked us all to write him an email introducing ourselves and talking about the things we loved and hated about working at the store. Below is my response (written on 10-30-13):I want to start by saying that I'm not your typical salesperson. Less than a year ago, I was diagnosed with Autism. Most people my age would use that as an excuse or crutch; a reason for not going after jobs that involve communication or social skills, but not me. I knew, after completing four years of Disabilities Studies in college, that it was late for me to begin receiving therapy for my Autism. Knowing this, I applied for and accepted three jobs that would put me into situations where I was least comfortable; approaching strangers, making small talk, listening to and understanding the needs of others, recognizing when I'm misunderstanding or being misunderstood... all of these things were encompassed in the two retail jobs and one restaurant job I took. 

What I love about my job here are the strides I've made in my communication skills and confidence levels since I started. The four days of sales induction literally changed my life. I learned for the first time how to properly communicate. The role playing conversations that were so foreign and uncomfortable to me on day one were simple by day four. Since returning from my induction, I have flourished. I've received customer compliments and both my family and friends have noticed a vast difference in my communication and socialization skills. 

What I dislike about my job, specifically about working in the cellular phone department, is that my department is like one big clique that I'm not a part of. Even new employees in other departments have noticed that I never seem to be accepted by my direct co-workers. I always feel left out and while I know that work isn't about socializing, it's difficult to work with people who don't seem to like you. Within days, it seems like they've either accepted a newcomer or they've exiled them. Those that are exiled typically don't stick around for very long. I was the exception, but it's getting harder and harder. I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells just to keep things civil with my co-workers, but they sit and joke, laugh, go out to dinner, and all sorts of things all the time. I hope that can change! I vastly appreciate your dedication to Employee Rapport.

Thank you for taking the time to ask us how we feel. I look forward to getting to know you.

Now go back and read the comments I made about my computers team. Look at the amazing growth that occurred in just 11 months. Am I still upset that I didn’t get the job? Of course I am. I felt like I deserved it. That said, it’s time to get up and try again.

Do You Believe?

My head is spinning right now and I’m going to do my best to make this post make sense.

I went to the movie theatre today to see Step Up. To my surprise, after buying my ticket and snacks, I learned that the movie times I had viewed were incorrect and I had to choose a different movie. I decided to see If I Stay.

Usually I watch those kinds of movies in the privacy of my apartment. I never know quite how I’m going to react and am typically too shy to show my reactions in public. For some reason, today I went anyways.

I don’t usually discuss the goings on in my head, particularly when it comes to thoughts of life and death, because I brought them up several times to different therapists when I was young and was told that children shouldn’t think of those things. I don’t know whether other people contemplate the world in the same way that I do or not, but I’m going to put it out there, and if you think I’m nuts, so be it.

One of the first thoughts I had when I was little (at least one of the first thoughts that I could remember) was that we were all parts of someone else’s story. I wondered if we were characters in a giant videogame or if we were playing roles in a movie. It seemed like we had free will, but what if someone else was calling all the shots? After all, we’ve all done things we swore we’d never do.

When I was about 3 years old, my grandfather and my great grandfather both passed away. I didn’t fully grasp it at the time, but I had some ideas of what death was. I used to go out into the driveway and blow bubbles up towards the sky. I’d try to get the bubbles all the way to heaven so that my grandfather and great grandfather would have something to play with while they waited for more family members to join them. I thought of heaven as most television portrayals: a castle of clouds and everything you dream of (except your loved ones)... And in my mind, I saw my family members being given the ability to come back to earth to watch over us and love us. I didn’t believe in ghosts, but I believed the spirits lingered.

As I got older, I contemplated what you feel when you die. Is it like going to sleep? Is there something after or is there nothing? Is it like being in a sensory deprivation chamber for all of eternity or is heaven real? It took me a long time to realize that the only people who knew those answers were people who could never answer them. I had to choose what I believed in and have confidence in my choice. With my massive phobia of death, I had to choose the belief that would ease my mind as much as humanly possible.

I chose to believe in spirits and signs and the ability to communicate without actually talking to someone. When I was a junior in high school, my great grandmother got very sick. I wasn’t allowed to see her, because it was too risky. I could have gotten very sick because of my auto-immune disease. She was my hero; my everything. I loved her to infinity and back. The day she passed away, I had a bad feeling. I was at the hospital she was at and I begged my mom to let me go see her. When all my pleas failed, I went to the restroom and attempted to communicate with her telepathically (no, I don’t believe in telepathy per say, but I do believe that if you try hard enough to tell someone that you love something important, the message gets through). I stomped on the floor to get her attention, and I told her how much I loved her. I told her how much I wanted to be by her side, holding her hand and giving her hugs, but that I couldn’t be. I told her she would always be my hero... then I wiped my tears, washed my face, and went home. Today I know that what happened was for the best. It was better for me to tell her all this while imagining the healthy woman I knew than to tell her while looking at her wasting away in a hospital bed on her final day.

That night, we got the call and my world stopped. I began to doubt everything I ever thought about life and death. I began to wonder if heaven was real and I was so afraid that I would lose her forever. I did something that night that I thought I would never do. With my mom and grandmother by my side, I went to say goodbye to my great grandmother.

I never told anyone this before, but when I touched her cheek and felt the coldness, I knew that in some way, I was right. Her soul wasn’t in that body. I was touching a shell... she was still out there; and she still is today. When it was time for her funeral, we did something that no one is supposed to do in our religion: we sent her to heaven with everything she would need. I gave her a picture from my junior prom and set of power beads (I have one for each of my grandparents and one for myself), we tucked her in with a blanket, put on her reading glasses, gave her a book and a nightlight... everyone in our family put something in. My little cousin put in her pink baby; a doll that had gone everywhere with her since the day she was born. I don’t think I need any more confirmation that there’s a heaven.

That being said, confirmations still come. Signs come to me in all shapes and sizes. I had a friend in high school who was diagnosed with cancer. He was eccentric and fun and definitely one of a kind. The day he passed on, three long years after his fight began, it snowed. It was 43 degrees outside. I simply smiled. I knew he was letting me know that he was okay... moreover, I was imagining all the havoc he was undoubtedly reeking on heaven and how much zanier heaven would be with him in it. Ever since, any time I need to know something (good or bad), something zany happens with the weather. I’ve had it be torrentially downpouring on one side of the building and sunny on the other, I’ve experienced streets so flooded that my car practically floated down them, and so much more. And of course, it rains like crazy every year on his birthday.

My first day back at work after Carol passed was incredibly hard for me; but somehow, she kept letting me know that she was there. My first guest of the day was named Carol. Another one of my guests was from Hicksville, New York (where she lived). Another guest came in with his dog. I’ve never liked dogs, but the last time I was with Carol, her dog was with us. This dog stopped in her tracks and stared at me, wagging her tail. Finally her owner told me that she wouldn’t move on until I acknowledged her. After petting the dog, I began to tear up. I had received three signs from Carol that day.

Last week was difficult for me. The one year anniversary of Don’s passing was on August 21. I was already emotional due to the number of ALS Ice Bucket Challenge videos out there and was feeling sad that all this awareness didn’t exist last year when he was still alive. Even though I was emotional, my day had to go on. When I got to work, my first customer of the day was named Don. His son kept trying to do a duck voice (something my dad does VERY well). Later that day, I met a man (another guest) who needed to take a call during our interaction. I heard him say he was going on an ice run and thought nothing of it. We get a lot of truck drivers at our store... BUT THEN he told me that his brother has ALS and that no less than 300 people were getting together to do a giant ice bucket challenge that afternoon. I started to cry. I showed him a picture of Don and told him just how amazing I thought it was that he was going to do something so big; he just gave me a hug (and surprisingly, I let him).

On Friday, I had an interview for a job promotion that I’ve wanted for a very long time. Something I always admired about Carol was how dedicated she was to her job. I wanted a job that I would love as much as she loved hers. Due to my Aspergers and anxiety, I never have an easy time with interviews, but it’s even harder when it’s a job I’ve been dreaming about for months. After my interview, I was feeling down, as I always am after attempting to do something (like an audition or job interview)... I guess I feel like if I don’t expect anything good to happen, I won’t be let down when it doesn’t. Anyways, after my interview, I went back out on the floor and was approached by a lovely woman. She had just gotten out of the hospital after having a very severe infection which led to severe memory loss. She had been in the store the day before and had purchased an ipad, but needed help setting it up and accessing her passwords. After a short time of helping her, I needed to look up her information. Something had drawn me to her from the moment I saw her, but I didn’t know what it was. Upon entering her telephone number into my computer, I learned that her name was Carol and she lived on Susan road (my mom’s name is Susan and Carol was her friend and co-worker first). Carol then told me that her husband’s name was John (same as my Carol). I pulled out my phone and showed her the background photo, a picture of Carol and I from my graduation. She told me that I should call Carol up and tell her I’d met the Carol of the future (and of Texas). I told her I wished I could. I continued on to tell her that Carol had passed earlier this year but that she makes sure to send me lots of angels.

So, where did all of this come from? I guess the movie got me thinking. I’ve been writing this entry for hours, ever since I got back from the movie... I was even drafting it in my head during some of the scenes. For once, everything just clicked and I realized that yes, I fully believe in the theories I’ve spent most of my life developing and believing in. Heaven is real, angels are real, souls never leave, and signs are certainly real.

I believe.

Overcoming (Seemingly Impossible) Obstacles

Overcoming The Seemingly Impossible

Phobia No More!

Everyone has things that they're afraid of. Some are rational, like heights or death... some are irrational (like my phobia of blue cheese... it's MOLD people!)... some are common, like arachnophobia... and some are made up, like escalaphobia: the fear of escalators (yes, I created that one too). 

I don't know how "Normies" deal with their fears, but I know that for me, a person with Aspergers, each fear seems impossible to conquer. 

This past week, I cannot explain how, but I faced more than one of my fears head on. I am terrified of standing up for myself, but I did. I hate putting everything out there for people to see and judge, but I interviewed for a promotion that I really want anyways. And I'm paralyzingly afraid of heights, but today, I somehow overcame that.

At my job at the pizzeria, the boss I've previously referred to as Harry, has been making me feel badly for some time now. I'll be doing my job, stop for two seconds to breathe, and be reprimanded for not working hard enough. I'll be standing at my cash register minding my own business, when a waitress comes up to ask me something, and Harry makes a snarky remark like "are we having a slumber party and doing each other's make-up and hair?" 

The other night, I hit a breaking point. My cash register wasn't working and I was counting out change to my customers instead of just reading the change amount off the register. One of my customers had his young son with him. His son was looking at me with an interested look on his face as I was counting out the change. I smiled at him and said "this is why little boys and girls need to go to math class". I was shocked and humiliated when Harry retorted: "You didn't count that fast. I wouldn't be too proud of that if I were you!" in front of my customer!  

I was ready to walk out, but I'd promised my mom that I wouldn't quit... so I stayed. I didn't say anything to him, but I did seek comforting advice from a friend and co-worker. The following day, I didn't want to go to work. I was still really mad and embarrassed and confused. I decided to go and just keep my distance from Harry. 

That worked for a good portion of the night... Unfortunately, another one of my irrational fears had to mess everything up. I was pouring some blue cheese dressing into a container for a customer and was having trouble getting it out. One of my managers told me to shake the container and the other told me to refill it. Being irrationally afraid and grossed out by blue cheese, I chose to listen to the one who suggested I shake it. Unfortunately, the other manager got very angry very fast and cussed me out. I asked what I did wrong and she remarked that it "wasn't rocket science"... and she was the one I sought solace from the night before. 

I forced myself through my next two customers then took off for the back of the restaurant in tears. She did come over and talk to me, but I admitted to her that about 95% of the tears were about Harry, not her. She didn't want me to talk to him, but somehow I was bound and determined. I was going to find out why he said what he said no matter what. 

I calmly approached Harry and asked him about his comment from the previous night. He didn't understand why I hadn't asked then and he didn't understand why I took it so seriously (even though I've explained the literalism that comes with Aspergers at least 10 different times to him), but he did apologize, something I never thought I'd hear. He told me that he was glad I didn't just quit, because that wouldn't have solved anything... and he told me if he didn't think I was smart, he wouldn't let me work the cash register. 

He went on to say that (in answer to my question) if he was getting a tax break for having me in his employ, it was due to an answer I gave on an onboarding form and that he doesn't see me that way. He said that he didn't see an issue with collecting the refund, but that I was plenty hireable without it. He also put to rest my fears that I had been forced on him by an employee who no longer worked for the company. One of the managers had taken pity on me when I lost my job and within a day, had gotten me a job offer at the pizzeria. When she was later fired for stealing, I noticed Harry's attitude towards me start to change and became very concerned that he'd only hired me because she asked him to and that with her gone, he wanted me gone too. 

As hard as it was for me to have this conversation, I NEEDED to do this. It had been building for months and it was time to put everything to rest!

In other BIG news, I conquered my fear of heights today. I have never been able to climb the ladder at the electronics store I work at. I climbed it once and froze, unable to move up or down, scaring my guest (who was in the military and offered to climb up to get me, but couldn't because it's against company policy for a customer to use the ladder). After that incident, it was determined that I would not attempt to climb the ladder again. 

I have NO idea why, but tonight while I was working, I climbed the ladder three separate times. I was clinging to the railings for dear life and stepped down like a toddler just learning to walk, but I did it! At this point, I just pray it gets easier!

Sending out good vibes to all of you; hoping you can share some amazing stories of overcoming seemingly impossible obstacles as well!

Hard to Say Goodbye

It's been awhile since I've written. I've been on an emotional roller coaster and haven't been able to express myself the way I wanted to. With me, emotions are a very difficult thing. If there is something going on in my life that is causing anxiety, stress, depression, etc. I get physically ill. I am plagued with chronic migraines and, although I know I am my own worst enemy, I cannot always stop them from appearing.

I recently had a migraine that landed me in the hospital. It was the first time I'd ever truly gone to the hospital alone. I put on a brave face, took my hospital bear with me, advocated for myself and told the doctors and nurses exactly what I needed; but I was petrified.

My bear is on the right. The dog on the left is one of the bears I made for the kids in the pediatric ward of the New York hospital I had stayed in during my college years. I loved playing Santa and bringing stuffed animals to all the kids.

When I was growing up, I always had my mom or my grandfather at the hospital with me. When I got to college, Carol became my hospital buddy. For a short time, she was joined by a boyfriend of mine, but SHE was the one I relied on. 

After calling my mom to let her know I was going to the hospital, it dawned on me that I wouldn't have either of them. Luckily a friend from my community was able to drive me to the ER, but for the first time in my life, I walked in alone. 

I do have to say that everyone was very nice and that once I explained about the Aspergers, they knew how to act regarding my treatment. There were some miscommunications; like when I asked the nurse if she could get an IV nurse (I have bad veins) and her response was that everyone knows how to do IVs... I think I offended her, but after she got me on the first stick, I told her she was my new best friend. 

As weird as it sounds, getting through an entire hospital visit alone was a huge accomplishment for me. Of course, at one point, whether it was wishful thinking or the pain medication, I did think Carol was in the room with me, but the bottom line is, I made it alone. 

But the thing is... sometimes I don't want to be alone.

Before I even moved here, my mom was concerned about me. How was I going to get along in a place where I knew no one when I have such a difficult time with socializing? For the first time in my life, I had an answer to that question. During my brief 48 hour visit to the city I would eventually move to here in Texas, I met a girl (a co-worker) who I felt in my heart was going to become a good friend.

I'd never had such easy conversations before. I realized after the fact that the tour of the city, apartment search, and lunch were all a part of my interview, but somehow she made it seem so that 'stress-free. Any other time I would have been completely tongue tied, awkward, and shy (all while my brain was racing a mile a minute) but with this girl, I felt an openness. I knew I had found a friend.

And she was a great friend. At work, she was my mentor. She had the desk next to mine, introduced me to everyone, showed me around, taught me so much, and proved to be a friend outside of work as well. I quickly learned that we liked the same restaurants, had the same taste in movies, and that she had a heart of gold, something that's truly hard to find. 

When I lost my job, I was of course upset that my dream had been put on hold... but I was worried that losing my job would also mean losing my friend. I shouldn't have worried; for she gave me true friendship and no one had the power to ruin that.

A few months later I found myself working by her side again. I was ecstatic! After several months of not really fitting in with my co-workers; here came my best friend (in Texas) ready to change everything. I went to work on her first day with a huge smile on my face. At the time we were in different departments, which my mom thought was good, because we would have been talking all the time and not working at all if we were together... which at the time was probably very true. Even still, something as little as catching her eye across the room made me smile. Her friendship means the world to me. 

As time went on, we began working in the same department and once again we made a great team. When she got promoted, I was thrilled for her. I told my mom I was lucky; after all, how many people get to work for their best friend? 

And I was lucky. She took me under her wing again. She let me know when I was miscommunicating or when I said something that she or someone else didn't like. She let me know when I had an expression on my face that wasn't welcoming and happy and always asked if I was okay, rather than just telling me to suck it up and put a smile on my face. She taught me how to be a leader, how to be a coach, and how to have a symbiotic relationship with my coworkers. 

...And now I have to say goodbye...

I'm absolutely thrilled for her. She is going back into working in the speech language pathology field. I know in my heart that's where she belongs. She's an amazing therapist and I'm so happy that she has the opportunity for a second chance at her dream. 

So why am I crying? As a good friend, I am supportive and happy and can't wait to hear how amazing her new job is... but it's hard for me to say goodbye.

She knows that when she first told me she might be moving, I called my mom and asked her if I could come home. I said that I had stayed in Texas because I had a friend and if my friend was leaving, I should too. That's not happening. 

I'm not saying any of this to make her sad. In fact, in a big way, she's still helping me grow. She showed me that I can make friends and now, with her moving away, I need to show her that her friendship and guidance has shown me how to make new friends. She will still be a huge part of my life. I am counting down the days to her wedding and am trying to figure out different ways for us to keep in touch... but what I'm discovering as I'm writing this is that her leaving is a challenge being extended to me: "show me what our friendship has done for you".

I won't say goodbye... I'll say: 

"Challenge Accepted"

The Girl Who Always Says Too Much

So, when I initially started this blog, I had planned for it to be a daily blog. Something I've realized while on this journey is: while I have a lot to say, it may not all mean something to the readers I have picked up along the way. I've always been the girl who said too much. A one paragraph assignment would turn into a one page paper, a three page paper would become a five page paper, and so on and so forth. For years, people have tried to get me to regulate my output and after going back and reading every entry here, I have begun to see what they mean.

IN NO WAY does this mean that I will stop writing. What it does mean is that there may be an inconsistancy in the frequency of posts. I feel that I will have a much stronger impact if each post I write has a clear directive and meaning for the readers and myself.

Tales of a Hard-Working Aspie: The Abysmal Coworker

Tales of a Hard-Working Aspie

The Abysmal Co-worker

I have a co-worker, we'll call her Corrina, who has been purposefully making my life a living hell for the past year and two months. I never did anything to this girl, but she has some sort of vendetta against me. She's awful. 

In my last post, I mentioned a troublesome relationship with some of my past co-workers in the cellular phone department of the electronics store where I work. I admit, they ran me off... In a way, they won. 

From day one I was the odd one out. The group was a clique and I was blackballed. I was never invited to hang out with the gang outside of work (everyone else was). When someone brought lunch for the entire department, I was left out. I even tried to get some people together for Thanksgiving dinner and was told that everyone had plans with their families only to find out that everyone had gone to one of the employee's houses to celebrate together without me. 

After awhile, I didn't even want to fit in with these people; I just wanted them to leave me alone. Unfortunately, just ignoring me wasn't in their plan. Corrina led the charge in talking to me like I was stupid, laughing after every conversation I tried to have with her, refusing to help me out even though she was (at the time) a supervisor in the department, and in spreading malicious rumors. 

After undergoing a major change in management, I finally had an ally. He thought that a meeting where he expressed his desires for everyone to start fresh would make things better. Unfortunately the plan backfired. I was subject to an hour long roast session. I was informed that "no one wants to be friends with someone like you" and was accused of "sneaking off to the bathroom to cry during like every shift". Things from my first week working there were being rehashed for crying out loud. I thought I was the only one who had trouble letting things go! These people were acting like kids in a candy store. They'd been waiting months to make me cry this hard. 

By the end of the meeting, nothing was resolved. My saving grace was that I was able to change departments. Even seeing Corrina and her minions was enough to make me sick to my stomach, but at least I knew that they wouldn't risk crossing the store just to be mean to me. 

Unfortunately, an innocent act today led to the absolutely final boiling point. I had a customer whom I'd been working with for about a week now. This customer was making a large purchase and was purchasing from several different departments, including the cellular department. All I did was try to help my customer. All Corrina wanted was to create drama.

I took my customer over to the cellular department because our computer was in use, the next available computer was not working, and for a CELLULAR transaction, it seemed like the logical place to go. Corrina rudely interrupted my sale, asking why I was working over there rather than on our computer. I explained it wasn't available and continued working with my customer.

I later found out that Corrina had gone to our supervisor to complain about me. Apparently she decided that the only reason I had gone to the cellular department was so that I could sit down (complete BS). She continued on that I was taking too long with my transaction and I was getting in the way, etc... Everything she said was met with an immediate dismissal, but it didn't stop her. She came back over and proceded to fling my customers products around angrily (it looked to me like she was about to slam the brand new computer onto the desk because she had backed into it on the floor and gotten angry). 

Even after I left the cellular area, she continued to go after me. She shot me death glares, stared me down, and made me feel incredibly uncomfortable... and she did all of this in front of a new employee who was training. 

Our supervisor happens to be a good friend of mine; in fact, she's my best friend here in Texas. She told me about the complaints and her reaction to them. I couldn't believe that Corrina had really gone to a supervisor because I was doing my job! When I mentioned my dismay that all this was happening in front of a trainee, she replied that the new employees would have to make their own decisions but that it was promising that one of the newer employees had expressed to her that he liked working with me. I was somewhat thrown by this statement, until she said that she had assumed that they were training all the new employees to hate me. 

Of course part of me believed that all along. The other part hoped that the part that believed it was the paranoid part. After talking to my best friend, I felt awful. It wasn't her fault. She doesn't control my mind... unfortunately I don't either. 

I immediately became depressed, withdrawn, and started to severely doubt myself. Something particularly bothersome to me was that she told me that (with my aspirations to move into management roles) the more times management had to get involved in trying to solve these personal problems, the less likely they'd be to promote me. I've worked so hard to fix my relationships with all of my other co-workers... THIS ONE RELATIONSHIP IS BEYOND REPAIR! That is not a reflection on me; it's a reflection on how it was handled from day one. 

Once that thought entered my head, the next thoughts that came were auditory memories from the morning of the roast session. At one point, I felt myself blinking back tears and at the same time, I heard the voice accuse: "you hide in the bathroom and cry all the time!" It was like I was stuck in quick-sand, but the quick-sand was emotions and I was being sucked down by the negative ones. 

I sent an email asking to talk to my general manager about all this. It may seem odd that I wrote a blog about it, but for me, it was somewhat therapeutic and will serve as a series of notes for me during my eventual meeting with management about this issue. I just hope that I can free myself from this quick-sand of negativity before I ruin the best job I've ever had. 

Tales Of A Hardworking Aspie: Anger, Annoyance, and Driving Me Bonkers!

Tales of a Hardworking Aspie

Anger, Annoyance, and Driving Me Bonkers!

Having two jobs means having two sources of anger, annoyance, and craziness. I take great pride in my work ethic, but some things cannot be avoided no matter how good of a worker someone is. 

For about a year, I was afraid of one of my bosses; we'll call him Harry. When Harry is around, the kitchen becomes a solemn place. Work gets done whether Harry is there or not, but for some reason, he believes that the staff cannot function without him. Harry is always around when you don't want him there. Stop moving for two seconds, Harry's on your back. Take a moment to chat, end up on the receiving end of a death glare. It never ends. Most of the employees are fed up with him, but no one will say anything to him. 

Now I've never been a social butterfly; quite the opposite actually. I've been a social pariah for the better part of 23 years. I guess that's why I became so upset when Harry got angry with me over taking a moment to chat with a co-worker. I was confused, humiliated, and frustrated. I had been asked earlier in my shift to fold some boxes. I had been doing so for several hours and had run out of places to put them. Noticing the overabundance of boxes, I believed I could take a short break from folding. Apparently I was wrong. Harry began "calling me out", his voice dripping with sarcasm (it was so obvious I picked up on it!), saying that "[I could] start folding boxes anytime" and "anytime [I] need boxes just ask someone". 

Later that night, while talking to a friend and manager, I explained why I had gotten so upset. The way Harry was talking to me made me feel as though socializing was wrong. Everyone else has someone to talk to during their shift. I'm alone. My coworkers agree that if Harry had to spend one four hour shift doing my job the way he expects me to do it, he'd run out of there before the shift was over. I explained that, IF WE HAD NEEDED BOXES, I would have understood and would have continued to fold. Tonight for instance, we were short on boxes and I folded most of the night. My friend understands completely and said not to take anything Harry does to heart, but it's hard not to.

Harry has always been bad enough, but recently, a new manager came into the picture. We'll call her Gertrude. Gertrude is the kind of manager who stands over your shoulder scribbling on a notepad, but never letting you know what she's thinking. She's stern, strict, and never looks happy. I was afraid of Harry... I'm terrified of Gertrude. 

I hate it when people hover. Immediately my mind starts trying to figure out what that person is thinking about me or is writing about me. It may have nothing to do with me, but I always feel like it does. 

I did discuss my Aspergers with Gertrude. I wasn't hoping it would change the way she treated me or anything, but I did hope it would make it easier for us to work together. She responded that she had no idea about the Aspergers and would try to be more direct in her requests, but never followed through. She hasn't stopped hovering either.

Gertrude doesn't respect the schedule either. As you well know by now, I live by my routine. Every manager knows that and every manager knows that when it's time for me to clock off, it's time... but Gertrude takes her time relieving me and doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with that. 

So those are my issues with Harry and Gertrude...

Onto my other job...

Something that absolutely drives me bonkers is when I have a customer who doesn't respect my personal space. The other day, I had a customer who kept cuffing me on the shoulder (I counted 13 times). It seemed like every time I moved away from him, he moved closer to me. I finally couldn't take it anymore and I had to pass off the customer to a co-worker. That shouldn't have to happen!

The other day, I received some difficult news at work and had to quickly pretend to be okay with it. So, when I first started working at the electronics store, I was in the cellular phone department. After many troublesome months, things came to a boiling point when one of my managers tried (and unfortunately failed) to make things better by having an open dialogue to air our grievances... unfortunately it became a roast session...

The day of that meeting, I requested to change departments. Since being granted that request, I have found the computers and networking department to be my safe haven. I was accepted there and I had friends there who would stand up for me if anyone from my old department treated me poorly. Suddenly the other day, whilst talking with management about some recent decisions that were made regarding my department, I was informed that the cellular phone department employees would be training over in our department. I plastered a fake smile on my face, but it didn't work. My manager asked what was wrong. I fudged some story about just needing a minute to come to terms with my safe territory being invaded and that I was sure the other employees didn't even remember what they had said to me anymore (total lie). I also said that I knew I would have to work with them again eventually but just didn't expect it to be in my new department. Basically, I was doing damage control because I'm still trying to qualify for a promotion and won't get one if I can't handle working with everyone. I had convinced myself for awhile now that I was okay to work with those people again as long as it was under professional terms, but when hit with the surprise of it all, it was just too much.

 When things like the above happen, I just have to keep remembering the feeling I had the other day with the Abney family. I really do love my jobs; it's just difficult for me to get through a work-day sometimes.