Overcoming (Seemingly Impossible) Obstacles

Overcoming The Seemingly Impossible

Phobia No More!

Everyone has things that they're afraid of. Some are rational, like heights or death... some are irrational (like my phobia of blue cheese... it's MOLD people!)... some are common, like arachnophobia... and some are made up, like escalaphobia: the fear of escalators (yes, I created that one too). 

I don't know how "Normies" deal with their fears, but I know that for me, a person with Aspergers, each fear seems impossible to conquer. 

This past week, I cannot explain how, but I faced more than one of my fears head on. I am terrified of standing up for myself, but I did. I hate putting everything out there for people to see and judge, but I interviewed for a promotion that I really want anyways. And I'm paralyzingly afraid of heights, but today, I somehow overcame that.

At my job at the pizzeria, the boss I've previously referred to as Harry, has been making me feel badly for some time now. I'll be doing my job, stop for two seconds to breathe, and be reprimanded for not working hard enough. I'll be standing at my cash register minding my own business, when a waitress comes up to ask me something, and Harry makes a snarky remark like "are we having a slumber party and doing each other's make-up and hair?" 

The other night, I hit a breaking point. My cash register wasn't working and I was counting out change to my customers instead of just reading the change amount off the register. One of my customers had his young son with him. His son was looking at me with an interested look on his face as I was counting out the change. I smiled at him and said "this is why little boys and girls need to go to math class". I was shocked and humiliated when Harry retorted: "You didn't count that fast. I wouldn't be too proud of that if I were you!" in front of my customer!  

I was ready to walk out, but I'd promised my mom that I wouldn't quit... so I stayed. I didn't say anything to him, but I did seek comforting advice from a friend and co-worker. The following day, I didn't want to go to work. I was still really mad and embarrassed and confused. I decided to go and just keep my distance from Harry. 

That worked for a good portion of the night... Unfortunately, another one of my irrational fears had to mess everything up. I was pouring some blue cheese dressing into a container for a customer and was having trouble getting it out. One of my managers told me to shake the container and the other told me to refill it. Being irrationally afraid and grossed out by blue cheese, I chose to listen to the one who suggested I shake it. Unfortunately, the other manager got very angry very fast and cussed me out. I asked what I did wrong and she remarked that it "wasn't rocket science"... and she was the one I sought solace from the night before. 

I forced myself through my next two customers then took off for the back of the restaurant in tears. She did come over and talk to me, but I admitted to her that about 95% of the tears were about Harry, not her. She didn't want me to talk to him, but somehow I was bound and determined. I was going to find out why he said what he said no matter what. 

I calmly approached Harry and asked him about his comment from the previous night. He didn't understand why I hadn't asked then and he didn't understand why I took it so seriously (even though I've explained the literalism that comes with Aspergers at least 10 different times to him), but he did apologize, something I never thought I'd hear. He told me that he was glad I didn't just quit, because that wouldn't have solved anything... and he told me if he didn't think I was smart, he wouldn't let me work the cash register. 

He went on to say that (in answer to my question) if he was getting a tax break for having me in his employ, it was due to an answer I gave on an onboarding form and that he doesn't see me that way. He said that he didn't see an issue with collecting the refund, but that I was plenty hireable without it. He also put to rest my fears that I had been forced on him by an employee who no longer worked for the company. One of the managers had taken pity on me when I lost my job and within a day, had gotten me a job offer at the pizzeria. When she was later fired for stealing, I noticed Harry's attitude towards me start to change and became very concerned that he'd only hired me because she asked him to and that with her gone, he wanted me gone too. 

As hard as it was for me to have this conversation, I NEEDED to do this. It had been building for months and it was time to put everything to rest!

In other BIG news, I conquered my fear of heights today. I have never been able to climb the ladder at the electronics store I work at. I climbed it once and froze, unable to move up or down, scaring my guest (who was in the military and offered to climb up to get me, but couldn't because it's against company policy for a customer to use the ladder). After that incident, it was determined that I would not attempt to climb the ladder again. 

I have NO idea why, but tonight while I was working, I climbed the ladder three separate times. I was clinging to the railings for dear life and stepped down like a toddler just learning to walk, but I did it! At this point, I just pray it gets easier!

Sending out good vibes to all of you; hoping you can share some amazing stories of overcoming seemingly impossible obstacles as well!