Tales Of A Hardworking Aspie: Anger, Annoyance, and Driving Me Bonkers!

Tales of a Hardworking Aspie

Anger, Annoyance, and Driving Me Bonkers!

Having two jobs means having two sources of anger, annoyance, and craziness. I take great pride in my work ethic, but some things cannot be avoided no matter how good of a worker someone is. 

For about a year, I was afraid of one of my bosses; we'll call him Harry. When Harry is around, the kitchen becomes a solemn place. Work gets done whether Harry is there or not, but for some reason, he believes that the staff cannot function without him. Harry is always around when you don't want him there. Stop moving for two seconds, Harry's on your back. Take a moment to chat, end up on the receiving end of a death glare. It never ends. Most of the employees are fed up with him, but no one will say anything to him. 

Now I've never been a social butterfly; quite the opposite actually. I've been a social pariah for the better part of 23 years. I guess that's why I became so upset when Harry got angry with me over taking a moment to chat with a co-worker. I was confused, humiliated, and frustrated. I had been asked earlier in my shift to fold some boxes. I had been doing so for several hours and had run out of places to put them. Noticing the overabundance of boxes, I believed I could take a short break from folding. Apparently I was wrong. Harry began "calling me out", his voice dripping with sarcasm (it was so obvious I picked up on it!), saying that "[I could] start folding boxes anytime" and "anytime [I] need boxes just ask someone". 

Later that night, while talking to a friend and manager, I explained why I had gotten so upset. The way Harry was talking to me made me feel as though socializing was wrong. Everyone else has someone to talk to during their shift. I'm alone. My coworkers agree that if Harry had to spend one four hour shift doing my job the way he expects me to do it, he'd run out of there before the shift was over. I explained that, IF WE HAD NEEDED BOXES, I would have understood and would have continued to fold. Tonight for instance, we were short on boxes and I folded most of the night. My friend understands completely and said not to take anything Harry does to heart, but it's hard not to.

Harry has always been bad enough, but recently, a new manager came into the picture. We'll call her Gertrude. Gertrude is the kind of manager who stands over your shoulder scribbling on a notepad, but never letting you know what she's thinking. She's stern, strict, and never looks happy. I was afraid of Harry... I'm terrified of Gertrude. 

I hate it when people hover. Immediately my mind starts trying to figure out what that person is thinking about me or is writing about me. It may have nothing to do with me, but I always feel like it does. 

I did discuss my Aspergers with Gertrude. I wasn't hoping it would change the way she treated me or anything, but I did hope it would make it easier for us to work together. She responded that she had no idea about the Aspergers and would try to be more direct in her requests, but never followed through. She hasn't stopped hovering either.

Gertrude doesn't respect the schedule either. As you well know by now, I live by my routine. Every manager knows that and every manager knows that when it's time for me to clock off, it's time... but Gertrude takes her time relieving me and doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with that. 

So those are my issues with Harry and Gertrude...

Onto my other job...

Something that absolutely drives me bonkers is when I have a customer who doesn't respect my personal space. The other day, I had a customer who kept cuffing me on the shoulder (I counted 13 times). It seemed like every time I moved away from him, he moved closer to me. I finally couldn't take it anymore and I had to pass off the customer to a co-worker. That shouldn't have to happen!

The other day, I received some difficult news at work and had to quickly pretend to be okay with it. So, when I first started working at the electronics store, I was in the cellular phone department. After many troublesome months, things came to a boiling point when one of my managers tried (and unfortunately failed) to make things better by having an open dialogue to air our grievances... unfortunately it became a roast session...

The day of that meeting, I requested to change departments. Since being granted that request, I have found the computers and networking department to be my safe haven. I was accepted there and I had friends there who would stand up for me if anyone from my old department treated me poorly. Suddenly the other day, whilst talking with management about some recent decisions that were made regarding my department, I was informed that the cellular phone department employees would be training over in our department. I plastered a fake smile on my face, but it didn't work. My manager asked what was wrong. I fudged some story about just needing a minute to come to terms with my safe territory being invaded and that I was sure the other employees didn't even remember what they had said to me anymore (total lie). I also said that I knew I would have to work with them again eventually but just didn't expect it to be in my new department. Basically, I was doing damage control because I'm still trying to qualify for a promotion and won't get one if I can't handle working with everyone. I had convinced myself for awhile now that I was okay to work with those people again as long as it was under professional terms, but when hit with the surprise of it all, it was just too much.

 When things like the above happen, I just have to keep remembering the feeling I had the other day with the Abney family. I really do love my jobs; it's just difficult for me to get through a work-day sometimes. 

Meant To Be

Yesterday was a day that I will treasure forever. Around 10:30am, I called the number that I had for Robyn Abney. My heart was racing. I'm awkward on the phone with my family and friends, so I had no idea how I was going to say what I wanted to say or whether or not I could say it without crying. As it turned out, her daughter answered the phone. In a fairly comprehensible way, I was able to explain that I had been so moved by the family and their story that our store had wanted to do something for them and "whenever they were free, could they please come by to pick up a little gift we had for James?". Her daughter said she would pass along the message. For me, the completion of this phone call had several different impacts. First and foremost, I was  proud of myself for successfully navigating what is typically a very stressful and awkward situation for me: talking on the telephone. Second, I was thrilled to have set everything into motion. As I've said many times, it's my goal to leave this world better than it was when I came to it, to make a difference, and to help others. This simple phone call enabled me to hit all 3 of my goals at one time. I couldn't wait for them to arrive.

Of course, when Robyn and James came through the door, I was with another customer... and although I'm typically all work and no play, for probably the first time ever, I completely dropped what I was doing and went over to them. Robyn was carrying James in her arms. She kept repeating that we didn't have to do this, but I knew she'd be thrilled once she saw the look on James' face. We sat him down on the floor and helped him open the bag. Robyn was very excited to see the Leap Pad and of course, James wanted it open immediately. She asked to borrow my camera to capture the moment (and of course, she agreed to let me share the moment with you all on here). 

  

They were both so happy and their happiness immediately transferred to me as well. James did call out for his daddy a few times, wanting to show off his awesome new toy, but Robyn said that he wasn't sure he could handle it ("it" being so many people being so nice to his family following such a tragedy). I can understand that. I am sure it's incredibly difficult for him, trying to keep up appearances for James, but mourning the loss of his wife at the same time. 

Before James left the store, I was the recipient of several hugs and high five's, and the very lucky recipient of a kiss on the cheek. I am not someone who likes to be touched, but when I was on the phone with my mom, I'm fairly certain that I repeated multiple times "he kissed me mommy!" in an absolutely thrilled way. 

Shortly after they left, I received a text message from Robyn: 

James and his daddy were already having a fun time together playing with the Leap Pad. I am so honored to have been granted access to such a wonderful scene. 

Looking back, maybe I never stuck my foot in my mouth after all. Maybe this was all just meant to be. I was meant to learn about the accident... I was meant to fall in love with the family... I was meant to make a difference.

A Heart Just Big Enough

Update on yesterday's post:

All day and night yesterday I was consumed with thoughts of the Abney family. I resolved to help in any way that I could. I don't know why they had such a strong impact on me... possibly I felt some guilt for making the grandmother upset... certainly I felt a special connection to the grandmother as she is one of the few women I've ever met to share my name, never-mind the spelling of my name... And of course, once I had more details about the accident and especially once I saw the picture of baby James happily between his loving parents, I was 100% emotionally tied to them. 

I awoke this morning still thinking of the Abney family. I went to work and they continued to dominate my thoughts. I kept seeing baby James sitting in the cart with his Superman colored casts... not really seeing him, just remembering him sitting there. I decided to ask my manager whom I should consult about getting a charitable donation. 

My manager replied that we could only donate our time, not money. For once, I refused to take that as an answer. I took him aside and told him the whole story. I told him about my experience with my customers, the research I had done, and the education fund they had set up for James. I stressed that these were our customers and that we pride ourselves on treating our customers better than anyone else; on being with our customers no matter what. 

I conceded to the store not donating money, but asked if we could supply James with an educational toy. That idea was greeted with a better response. He told me I could go pick something out and he'd see what he could do. I found what I was looking for but became sidetracked with other customers. I saw one of my co-workers after awhile (he's the head of employee engagement) and I told him about my discussion with our manager. 

I was first told that we could do 50% off the item. I had already decided to pay the rest. When my manager found out that I was putting out the money, he went a step further and donated the item straight out. Then I did something completely uncharacteristic of me: I called the unsuspecting grandmother on the phone. While I have yet to get in touch with her, this is the first time that I am looking forward to a telephone call with someone I don't know very well. I generally find talking on the telephone awkward and I hate talking on the telephone with people I don't know, but I'm so excited to be able to call the Abney family with some good news!

Not Reading Between The Lines

Not Reading Between The Lines

One of the hardest things for me about having Aspergers is that I cannot pick up on subtle cues. Today at work was no exception.

I was helping a sweet family. There was an adorable little boy, 2 years old, with a blue cast and a red cast, one on his arm and one on his leg. His daddy told me they were Superman's colors. 

I assisted the family as I usually do but for some unknown reason, I decided to ask the woman (I assumed the mother) how the little boy was injured. I figured it was a cute story, like he had been trying to learn how to ride a bike and had fallen or he had tried to ride the dog like a horse. 

She softly replied that it was a car wreck. I apologized and continued on with the transaction, but for some reason, I needed to go one step further. I asked if anyone else was injured. The woman, who shares my name, began to cry. 

"His mother was killed"

I didn't know what to think or feel. I felt terrible that I had made her think of that. I didn't want to be the cause of her tears. She kept repeating that she was sorry... That she only cried when she wasn't around the little boy and his father. I did my best to console her, but all I could really say was that I was sorry and that she was doing an amazing job of taking care of them.

I felt awful about it all day long. I kept replaying the discussion over and over in my head, searching for some hint that there was a fatality involved. I'm sure there was one, but I didn't pick up on it. 

I felt so drawn to this family that I did some research online. I found that the little boy was named James. I found that the woman I had spoken with, Robyn, was his grandmother and that her daughter-in-law Brooke had died in the accident. I learned that the accident was caused by a driver who was driving up the wrong side of the road. 

The Abney family before the accident. 

My co-workers told me not to feel badly; that she was upset inside anyhow and that all I did was provide an outlet for her tears. I'd like to believe that was true. I know from talking to her that she was trying so hard to be the strong grandmother, the glue that held James and his father together after such a tragedy, that she wasn't giving herself the opportunity to grieve. I'd like to believe that I helped her, or at least that I didn't hurt her, but I may never know.

I am asking something very special of my readers tonight. The family has set up an education fund for James. I hope the story I have related has touched you in some way. Please donate what you can to this fund. He really is a sweet boy! 

Donations can be made to the James L Abney Education Account at the First National Bank of Ballinger at P.O. Box 680, Ballinger, TX 76821 or the Bank of San Angelo at 2635 Valleyview Blvd, San Angelo, Tx 76904.

Too...Many...People!

Too... Many... People!

A huge event in my life that I have not written about until now was my brother's wedding, which was held earlier this year. I hadn't written this blog entry yet because I didn't want anyone in my family to get the wrong idea. I love my family more than anything! 

My brother's wedding was very hard for me. As you well know by now, I hate change. My brother had been my best friend for as long as I could remember... but I know what a good marriage consists of. In a good marriage, your mate is also your best friend. I was afraid of being replaced and I was afraid that nothing would ever be the same.

I finally came to terms with the marriage itself. I decided that they were truly soul mates and I had to stop being selfish. I wrote it in the card, but I fully meant it in my impromptu toast at the reception (which I am still shocked that I did). 

The problem I faced at the wedding was that I was incredibly uncomfortable. I was excited to see family... but I had no idea that we would walk into the hotel lobby and be accosted by no less than 30 people (in a very small place), some of whom I hadn't seen in years. Everyone wanted hugs and kisses and there was no room to breathe. I finally got out the words "too... many... people" and made my way outside. 

No one understood what I was going through. My mom finally caught on and allowed me to go up to the hotel room. I'm sure many thought I was being antisocial, but I was just trying to cope. My mom explained to those family members who asked to go visit me what was going on. I don't know if I wanted my extended family to know about my Aspergers or not, but I understand why she told them. I just wish that I hadn't needed "an excuse". I wish I had been able to cope and stay in the room. 

I also suffer from Vasovagal Synchope and hypoglycemia. Right before we started to walk down the aisle, my face went pale, I got nauseous, and I started to shake. My mom slipped an ice pack in my back and the wedding proceeded. Partway through the ceremony, I was so faint I had to sit down. After talking to my doctor about the experience, he said that it could have been the hypoglycemia (as we thought at the time) or it could have been Vasovagal Synchope caused by nerves and being in a tight space with many others during the ceremony. 

 I felt absolutely horrible about the whole situation. I worried everyone, I drew attention from the ceremony, and I missed seeing a huge moment in my brother's life. I'm so upset about what happened and the possibility that it could have been mentally driven, that I haven't even told my mom what the doctor said, although she reads this blog, so I guess I just did. 

At the reception, I was perfectly content taking pictures and watching everyone dance. Unfortunately, no one understood that. People kept trying to make me dance, telling me I was boring, telling me I needed to have some fun... What they didn't understand was I that I was having fun MY OWN WAY! I'm not the person who will get in the middle of the mob on the dance floor, but I am the person who will dance across the (relatively empty) floor whilst singing at the top of my lungs to "Let It Go" (my new anthem) after my mom had the DJ put it on for me. 

Overall, I had a good time at my brother's wedding. I just needed my personal bubble. 

That said, now I have a new obstacle to face. I have received the opportunity of a lifetime. I have been invited (with my dance troupe from back home) to dance at the Orange Bowl during the halftime show. I was incredibly excited about this and quickly began counting the days! 

Then the big shock hit. My mom and I were on the phone and she said that she didn't want me to get upset about what she was going to say, but that I really needed to think about whether or not I could go on the trip. When I asked why, she explained that there would be a mob of people and *SHOCK* she wasn't able to get the time off, so I would be there alone with no one to comfort me if I freaked out (I'm paraphrasing here; my mother never said I would freak out). 

So now I put it to you, my readers. I need advice. How do you deal with large groups of people? What advice can you give me to make it easier for me to go on this amazing trip? Please help!

Growing A Little Every Day

Growing A Little Every Day

This entire blog will not be about why I have not written in several days, however I feel it is important for me to explain why I strayed from my routine. As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I got very ill as a result of ignoring symptoms and not visiting a doctor right away. Unfortunately, my body does not like to bounce back from illnesses and I have spent every moment that I'm not working asleep. In addition, I am prone to anxiety and am awaiting further test results, making me hesitant to dig too far into my psyche at the current moment. I've sat down to write several times over the past several days, but nothing has come of it. I've either fallen asleep or became fearful of what my mind may uncover. 

Growth is very important for all people. You don't want to plateau in your life. If you plateau, you're not improving and if you're not improving, you're not doing anything productive with your life. For me, growth is everything. Everything I do, I do so I can grow. I hate change and always will, but the one change I believe is truly good is the change that exists within onesself as they grow into a stronger and better human being. 

On Friday night around 11pm, I received a text message from one of my co-workers and close friends. 

"(Manager) informed me that I will not be leading the (department) team tomorrow when we break off into departments. You and (Co-worker) will."

I reply:

"WHAT?!"

After discussing what I should make sure to discuss during the meeting, I replied again:

"Wishing I had time to mentally prepare myself. This is the kind of thing that at the last minute is not easy for me."

I worried all the rest of the night about the meeting the next morning. I worried about how I would, with no time to prepare, be able to converse with my team without being misunderstood or having difficulties arise. I worried about how I would convey the important information without sounding like a stuffy workaholic who wanted to suck all of the fun out of the room. I worried... and I worried... and I worried.

...and I worried for nothing. The next morning, the meeting came and went. I said my piece and hoped that it sunk in then went about my daily business. No one complained, so I guess it went okay. I really feel that I grew from that experience. There were times in the past when I would have "lost my voice" right before the meeting to avoid the uneasiness that leading a discussion would have led to... BUT THOSE TIMES ARE IN THE PAST! That's GROWTH! 

Another work story: My boss tonight pulled me aside and told me that something would be different about the morning discussions the next time I worked. As many of you who read my blog know, I do not joke. I don't understand how to joke properly and they never come across right... Well, tonight I tried again. "Will the change be that we'll actually have them?" I asked. It took a minute, then one of my friends said, "she's got jokes". I thought it was the best thing ever. It probably was a very lame joke, but it's a start. 

One last work thing... this one is more of a governmental issue in my opinion. I have recently become aware of a law that states that any business with more than 15 employees must provide reasonable accommodations for persons with disabilities (I knew that, as I studied Disabilities in college, but the aftermath shocked me). In exchange for following this law, companies who hire someone with a documented disability are entitled to various tax write-offs or credits. According to the government, these are meant to "cover the cost of accommodations for employees with disabilities". That being said, the next line on the government's own website states "this is an excellent way to expand and enhance your business".

Tonight at work, my co-workers were joking about an employee being "special" because he did something stupid. Someone announced over the walkie talkies that the company got a tax break for having him work there. Immediately my blood ran cold. I thought about the information above and how it had shocked me when I learned of it. I thought about my company using me for a tax write-off. I needed answers. I went to a manager and good friend and he immediately apologized, saying it was a joke and the company didn't receive anything for hiring or employing the disabled but with the knowledge I had, I didn't know if I truly trusted what he said or not. A few months ago, I would have let it fester... Tonight, I pulled aside my general manager and asked him. 

Upon seeing the surprise on his face when I told him about the law, I had proof that he was not cashing in on me. I've never had the guts to ask a potentially accusatory question like that before. I don't know what came over me to allow me to ask the question tonight and I don't know if this newfound confidence will stay, but I know that tonight, I showed growth. 

Extremes: The Pitfalls Of Literalism

Extremes: The Pitfalls Of Literalism

I've always been Miss Literal. If I was told to clean my room, I would clean my room but not my closet. If I was told to take my things upstairs, I would do so, but not necessarily put them away. Even a simple question, like "what color is the sky?" needed to be answered properly (either by looking out the window or going outside... afterall, the sky isn't always blue). How old was I? I could tell you down to the day. 

I saw the world in black and white. Gray space never existed in my world. Someone either was my best friend or they hated me. I was either a straight A student or I was stupid. I believed that if someone yelled at me, they would never forgive me and if I yelled at them, I'd never forgive them. 

To increase my success in the workplace, all of my bosses and co-workers have been instructed to give me precise instructions so that my literalism wouldn't be such a problem. Silly stories from beforehand include making so many cheese and pepper packets that I ran out of pepper (because I was told to make them until I was told to stop), building towers of pizza boxes all the way to the ceiling (again because I was told to make them until I was told to stop), pacing a three shelf area for an entire 7 hour shift (because I was assigned to that area and no one told me I could leave if I didn't have any customers), and more. At least now, as long as my bosses remember, I know exactly what I'm supposed to do.

The past few days I have not been able to blog. In a way, this was related to my literalism. I have a lot of health issues. In addition to my Aspergers, I have Polycystic Kidney Disease, chronic migraines, Crohns, and a pancreatic cyst. Both of my jobs have always been great about dealing with my health. My co-workers and bosses at my day job will often recognize that I look unwell and send me home to rest. I always thought they were just being caring and thoughtful. My mom had a slightly different theory.

She had told me that although it seemed that they were being helpful, they were actually thinking in the back of their heads, "how much longer are we going to put up with this girl who leaves early every day?" I took her words to heart and realized that she was right. I forced myself to go to work even though I didn't feel well. On Saturday, things finally reached a point where I couldn't wait anymore. I finally took myself to the doctor. I had a very bad infection that had gotten out of hand due to my resistance to miss work. 

After returning back to work today, I finally explained to my mother my reasoning for not going to the doctor sooner... again I took things to the extreme. She meant that I needed to be more selective about when I really needed to miss work. I took it as, "if you miss work, they won't want you anymore". What a difference a gray area makes!