Adventures in Miscommunication: Sarcasm

Adventures In Miscommunication

Sarcasm

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines sarcasm as: "the use of words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say especially in order to insult someone, to show irritation, or to be funny"

More completely, it continues: 

1:

" a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain

2

a :  a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual

b :  the use or language of sarcasm" 

Right away, this definition sets off red flags in my brain. How can you use the same intonation to insult someone, show irritation, and be funny? Why are all 3 mentioned in the broad definition, but only bitterness and pain mentioned in the more specific? 

I have never understood sarcasm. I'm a literal thinker. I don't distinguish well between tones of voice, prosodies, or intonation patterns. The distinctions I do make have been made based upon hours of studying patterns of speech in movies, television shows, radio shows, and the like, and matching the feeling or motivation behind it to the pattern of speech. The problem with that is that no two people say the same thing the same way. It's easy to have a misunderstanding when you rely on memorized patterns. 

Ever since I was little, I despised sarcasm. I didn't know what it was, but I knew that it drove a wedge between my father and myself. I knew that my father thought he was being funny, but because I didn't understand, I took everything he said to heart. Sarcasm almost destroyed our relationship. Since my diagnosis, we've finally had the relationship I've always dreamed of. My dad is trying very hard to bite back the sarcasm and make sure I know when he's joking. It means the world to me that he is trying so hard. 

As I entered adulthood, I thought that I had to change myself in order to better fit in. I attempted to imitate sarcasm, but while I knew the dictionary definition and certainly had a lot of examples to use as a jumping off point, I quickly learned that it's impossible to properly be sarcastic without first understanding it. My sarcasm attempts often led to huge misunderstandings which resulted in me getting worked up and the saying which for a short time was my tag-line: "I was just trying to make a joke. It was supposed to be funny". 

To this day, I do not understand sarcasm past its basic dictionary definition. Tonight at work, one of my co-workers was (apparently) being sarcastic about not getting a tip and "making the person who messed up pay for it". I attempted to calm this co-worker by explaining that he was not the only person to be fixing an error tonight and none of the others who had done the same task as him had received tips either. Instead of calming down, he got angry, talking about how he couldn't "even make a *beep* joke around here". When I replied that I didn't understand his joke because of my Aspergers, rather than move on, he rudely offered to tell some Autism jokes. 

This is what I mean about the definition being contradictory. On the one hand, it says that sarcasm can be used to be funny... on the other, it stresses the painful, cutting nature of sarcastic comments. I've only ever seen that side of the coin.