Obsessions Part 2

Obsessions

Part 2

Yesterday's blog was about my one constant obsession; numbers. To me, that obsession makes sense. I am not challenging my mind, so my mind challenges itself. I unconsciously am pushed to analyze what I see because otherwise, I my mind would go crazy with boredom. 

A fascination with numbers and patterns is actually quite common in people with Aspergers. In fact, psychiatrists currently believe that an early sign of Aspergers is a fascination with letters and numbers. They say that children with Aspergers may have hyperlexia; the ability to decode words with little understanding of them. Again, looking at my childhood, the signs were all there... unfortunately the research wasn't. 

I was a very early reader. I read so much that my mother calls me Matilda (up to this very day), thanks to the Roald Dahl book. Like Matilda, I quickly worked my way through the children's section at my local library and, looking for a challenge, selected The Bambi Novel when I was just a mere kindergartner. My brother, four years older, couldn't get past the forward, which began "Bambi is a delicious book". For once, my brother was more literal than I was, and he thought that the book was edible. When my brother told his teacher what his sister was reading, she asked him what colleges I was looking at. I read the whole thing cover to cover. I don't remember much, and more than likely had hyperlexia at the time. Perhaps I'll read it again some day. 

Getting back to obsessions, as I mentioned, numbers and patterns are my only constant obsession. That being said, obsessions control my entire life. I often wish that I had the trademark one or two "strange" obsessions that are common among Aspies... I just obsess over everything.

I lose hours at a time due to my obsessing. Sometimes the topic of obsession lasts a few hours, sometimes a few days, weeks, months, and rarely years. The obsessions come seemingly from nowhere. It's as though the obsession somehow crawls into my brain and nests there for awhile and then one day just randomly decides to leave. 

I have had an off and on obsession with the Titanic for much of my life. When we were young, my brother received a Titanic RPG (role play game) for the computer. The game involved touring the ship, talking to passengers, and ultimately attempting to stop the ship from sinking and/or make it out alive. At the time, I was awed by the majesty of the ship, even in this video game recreation. I didn't obsess at that point, I just thought it was sort of cool.

In 2003, my science class took a trip to see Ghosts of the Abyss; a Disney Pictures and Walden Media documentary directed by James Cameron. That field trip started my first real obsession phase. I tore my brother's room apart looking for the Titanic RPG and of course, it was nowhere to be found. I began researching the Titanic and found myself spending a lot of time at the Titanic exhibit when my dad and I took a trip to the National Museum of American History (The Smithsonian) in Washington DC. 

After a short while, the obsession went away again. It returned full force when the 1997 James Cameron Titanic movie was re-released in 3D. All of a sudden, I HAD TO SEE IT! I didn't care about the love story or the actors in it; I wanted to see the most realistic recreation of the ship and its majestic glory. I wanted to be on the ship... maybe not while it was sinking, but in the first few days, when it was just a marvel. Knowing myself, I knew that I couldn't just go to the theatre and watch it unprepared. I sat down at my computer (the same way I do with horror movies) and started the movie when the boat hit the iceburg. I had my finger on the pause button, ready to stop it as soon as I felt a sensory overload, but surprisingly, I never pressed the button. I was caught under a spell. 

After watching the hardest part at home by myself, I knew I could make it through the movie at the theatre with others in the audience. I saw Titanic for the first time in 3D and I fell in love. I didn't fall in love with Jack and Rose or the story; I fell in love with the mystery. I immediately began watching every documentary I could find on the Titanic. I watched the documentaries on the making of the Titanic movie and knew every little known fact about the movie that no one ever wanted to know. I read conspiracy theories that the Titanic was actually its sister ship and that it was a planned disaster... more conspiracy theories that certain powerful people used the Titanic as a way to get rid of their competition... more conspiracy theories that Jack Dawson was really a passenger on the ship... and even more theories about the other ships ignoring the SOS because the Titanic had bragged about being the unsinkable ship. 

I will randomly turn on the Titanic movie and start spending hours searching online. I don't even realize I'm doing it at first. I only discover it when I start to yawn or I fall asleep at my computer. The searches are incomprehensible, even to me. I can look back at my browser history and have NO IDEA how one search led to another. It's more like a graphic organizer with tons of branches of different ideas and somehow they connect but I don't know how. The obsession gets stronger and weaker of course. I am currently only thinking about the Titanic because I'm writing about it... That said, I wouldn't be surprised if I find myself randomly searching later tonight. 

If you're still with me at this point, thanks for reading the whole thing. I've decided to keep breaking this up into more parts because it is so long, so keep an eye out for part 3. Also, to my amazing readers: I would love to hear from you. My blog is meant to help in any way that it can, so if there's something you want me to address, please feel free to comment about it.