Tales of a Hardworking Aspie
Follow-Up
So today I returned to work, worried about attempting to have some difficult discussions with my co-workers but cautiously optimistic that the tips I'd been given and my careful planning would lead to these discussions going smoothly.
I managed to put off the first of these discussions for about an hour. At that point, there were no more customers around and I had nothing left to use as an avoidance, so I asked my co-worker if we could chat (being sure to stay on the floor so that the chat had to remain cheery). He seemed surprised but agreed. As my manager suggested, I asked him what he wanted to get out of the job. He replied that I had asked a good question, one he wasn't really sure of the answer to, but provided a good answer after some thought. From there I asked him what we could do to make it the best job he'd ever had. I'm not sure if he was being 100% real with me at this point, because he said that it already was the best job he'd ever had and there wasn't anything that needed changing. Realizing he might feel awkward about being put on the spot, I explained that I was having this chat with everyone on our team, he was just the first that I encountered, and that if he ever thought of anything the leadership team (including us full-timers) could do differently to please let me know.
With that, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had done the previously unthinkable. Sure, I've grown a lot in the past year. I've made great strides in communicating with strangers (and even my "regulars" at both jobs). My biggest setback has been my inability to generalize those skills into everyday use with people whom I interact with on a regular basis. As relieved as I was however, I felt an impending sense of doom knowing that the most difficult conversation would be happening later that afternoon.
Amazingly (and secretively... I don't think he expected my co-worker to tell me), my manager had already conversed with my co-worker last night and told him that we needed to sit down and work out our differences. This surprised me because my manager had told me that I didn't want him involved and really seemed to want me to do this on my own. I think he took pity on me, realizing that I meant it when I said I didn't know where to begin.
This conversation needed to take place off the sales floor. I asked my co-worker if he could chat for a few minutes with me (we chatted for a half hour) in the back office and he agreed. When we first sat down there was an awkward silence, then I said, "so we need to figure out how to work together without butting heads". The discussion went from there.
It's easy for me to think that simply telling my co-workers that I have Aspergers is enough; but I learned today that it's not. While this co-worker knew I had Aspergers, he didn't know my limitations as far as picking up on subtle cues, tone of voice, and emotion. It was amazing that once I explained those issues a little bit, he realized that we were just miscommunicating. What he took as me being condescending was actually the way I always talk; I love words and use an expanded vocabulary, not to talk down to people, but out of habit. I'm so used to being misunderstood that I attempt to "over-explain" and in doing so, it can seem like I feel smarter than the person I'm speaking to, when in fact, I'm just trying to avoid a miscommunication much like the one my avoidance technique ends up causing. I'm also very serious about my job and strive to make sure that everything is done properly and the way that management wants it done. I may not "let go and just have fun" like some of my co-workers, but I love what I do.
He agreed to let me know when he felt I was speaking condescendingly or he was having a problem with me so that I could understand the context of those miscommunications and our issues could be resolved before they got out of control again. He then apologized if he'd been difficult to work with since joining the team.
I feel like I have a fresh start with both of these employees. I still don't know how to build a relationship or be a "people-person" but it's a start.
There have been many times over the course of my working life that I've found simply "taking an interest" in fellow employees was all it took to repair what I perceived as a strained work relationship. And interestingly enough, it was something I learned from examining a conversation that a friend had with me.
ReplyDeleteWe had talked for a really long time and I left his office thinking, "Man, we have such great talks!" And then I thought about the conversation. I tried to remember what HE had actually said and realized that all he'd really done was ask me questions. He'd ask me a question. I'd answer. Then he'd follow up, asking more and more detailed questions. Regardless of what his thoughts were about what I was telling him, his questions made it seem like he was interested in hearing what I had to tell him. Like I was telling him something he needed to know more about. In the end, I felt like we'd really talked, but the only one who had talked was me.
I had a strained relationship with a couple coworkers. I can be offputting at time. Too much sarcasm. So I just started asking him about things. Where he was from. What it was like. What he did. And he warmed up and really started to talk to me. We became pretty good friends after that, and I really attribute it not to the "great talk" we had...because I didn't say much at all...just from asking him questions and listening to his answers.