Screaming

SCREAMING!

I often remark that I feel detached from my life and that is true... but sometimes I just need to scream! Those are the times that whatever's going on in the world around me sneaks past the Aspergers and rocks my very being. Those are the times that I feel unhinged. 

It wasn't always screams... I used to hurt myself by accident. I would pick at my skin until I created sores or I would dig into my skin with my nails until I bled. I would pull my hair or I would slap myself repeatedly. My parents would grab my wrists and hold onto them until I was calm enough for them to trust me with freedom of movement. I never meant to hurt myself though. For instance, after creating long gashes on my leg with my fingernails, my parents found me in the bathroom with neosporin, gauze bandaging, and medical tape... I was making sure I didn't get an infection. 

Now that I live on my own, I have to be conscious of what I'm doing. There's no one here to grab my wrists and stop me. The only thing I can do that I KNOW is safe is scream. Even then, I'm not entirely safe. 

Tonight I got into my car after work, saw something on my phone that greatly distressed me, and I screamed for about 30 seconds. I looked in rearview mirror, but must not have looked as carefully as I would in an everyday situation. NO I DID NOT GET INTO AN ACCIDENT! I simply found that as I was reversing out of my parking space, a driver going very quickly through the parking lot almost collided with me. Thankfully I saw him. 

The problem with any of these coping mechanisms is that they don't do anything. Sure, a scream releases something... but does it really make you feel better in the long run? I don't know. I'm certainly not happy right now.

But is trying to talk about your feelings any better? I've always been able to go to my grandparents for advice and we have a relationship that anyone would be lucky to have, but for a person with Aspergers, is as rare as finding a billionaire... but even though I seem calmer when I get off the phone with them, I'm still distressed. Tonight I just gave up. I asserted that to understand the mind of someone on the spectrum you needed to have insight into their mind. That is a large part of why I'm writing this blog... but I still don't expect people to fully understand. 

So what will make me feel better? The only thing I can think of is disappearing back into my Aspie world... becoming once again detached from this life... and thereby losing all hurt feelings associated with it. It's times like this that I wonder whether my Aspergers really is a blessing or a curse.