The Power of Dance

The Power of Dance

My least favorite question has always been "how are you feeling?" (or some variation of the same). The reason is quite simple: I can never explain my feelings nor do I understand them. My answer has always been "I don't know" or "absent". I'm constantly told that "absent" isn't a feeling but to me it is. In fact, it's the only feeling that I consistently feel. It all goes back to what I said in my first post: it's not my life. It's like I'm watching myself living but am simply a passive audience member. The only time I've ever understood my feelings was when I was dancing. 

When I dance, I can do anything. I feel like I'm flying, which should be terrifying because I'm afraid of heights, but it's one of the most free feelings I've ever felt. When I dance, I leave all of my emotions on the floor. Often times, the more upset I am, the better I dance. No matter what I feel when I start dancing, by the time I'm done, I can feel my heart soar. 

There are two times when I truly feel alive: when I'm dancing and when I'm teaching dance.  I think a part of me knows that a kid won't judge me and looks up to me no matter what. It gives me a boost of confidence that I've never had on my own. I am the first to admit that I have very little self-esteem. Just as with feeling alive, the two times I feel the most confident are when I'm dancing and when I'm teaching dance. 

From the time I started dancing, I was always special. I was the littlest dancer in the group (which always led to end positions, but my dance teacher had the option to choose to begin contagious movements from either end and she always chose me to begin). Even when I was the youngest one in a dance, I was the one she would pull out of line to demonstrate or experiment with a step. My first year in our 25 minute opening number (a very intricate tap number) I was the ONLY dancer to do the ENTIRE number. I was 9 (the bottom age for that number is now 13). Thanks to my mom's teaching position, I was dancing with the advanced class (in practice but not onstage) when I was very young. I was a swing in their dances (although again, never got to take the stage with them) BUT I was invited to do a dance with them a year before the rest of the girls in my class (who were all several years older than me). 

I know it sounds like I loved being the best, but to be honest, that's NOT the case. (Looking back, I certainly wasn't the best) I loved being confident! I loved understanding myself. I loved being with the older girls (until I became one and jealousy and pettiness took over; although apparently they all apologized to my mom when she told them about my Aspergers diagnosis... after I already moved). Did I like being told I was good? Of course! Everyone does, but what I really loved was all of the things I learned. 

My dance teacher used to make me put a quarter in a mug every time I said the words "I can't". She did this because I would fuss and moan that I couldn't do something, go home and work on it until my next class, and typically (not with Acro or leaps) have it perfected by then. Knowing what I now know about my Aspergers, this was THE BEST LESSON she could ever have taught me! I excelled through school and college because she taught me that I CAN DO ANYTHING I TRY AT! 

My dance teacher gave me something most kids with Aspergers don't ever get. She gave me a second home, a safe place, a place where I felt I belonged (for 20 years).