Independence Day

Independence Day

Independence is such a difficult thing to obtain when you're an Aspie. Sure, one could say I celebrated my independence today by working both my jobs in order to enable myself to pay MY OWN bills.

The truth is, I don't know if I will ever truly be independent. I do live on my own but even that took a lot of work! I had to demonstrate my readiness. My four years of living at college meant nothing. I had to prove myself again from scratch.

I know my family only meant well, but I moved out on my own (half-way across the country) fully knowing that there were people expecting me to fail. For someone with low self-esteem like myself, that put a HUGE weight on my shoulders. I didn't want to let anyone down and I wanted to prove to everyone that I could make it on my own.

My ability to make it on my own was put to the test shortly after my arrival in Texas when I lost the job I'd moved my life to take. The day I lost my job, I cried and broke down... and by that night, I was already applying for new jobs. For a long time after I lost my job, I hid. It didn't matter to me that I'd gotten three jobs to replace the one I'd lost or that I was doing something that required so much strength that I never had shown before... I was too afraid of being seen as a failure.

But I'm not a failure. Everything in life happens for a reason. Losing my job led me to personal growth. Personal growth led me to creating this blog. This blog is continuing my personal growth each and every day. I am doing things I never imagined I would do. I am approaching strangers at work and starting conversations with them. I am receiving wonderful comments from my customers regarding their experience with me as their saleswoman. I found a way to stay here in Texas and am making things work for myself.

That said, even though I live half-way across the country, I am not entirely independent. I rely heavily on my family. Some is monetary but most is emotional or supportive. When I'm having a panic attack, no one can calm me down like my mom. Any time I need to send an important communication, I always run it by my mom and dad first to make sure it's clear, polite, and proper. I've run my resume and mock interview responses by my brother so many times, he could probably go on a job interview for me. My grandparents are there for me whenever I call, no matter how late at night, and will stay on the phone with me for as long as I need them. 

...and my family does all of this without complaining or expecting anything in return. 

So today we celebrate independence. With Aspergers, celebrations come with "smaller" achievements. I'm not fully independent and that's okay. Today I embrace and celebrate the independence I have and I thank my lucky stars that I have such an incredible family to depend on.