Not So Undercover Anymore

Not So Undercover Anymore

When I was first diagnosed, I called myself the "Undercover Aspie". Hardly anyone knew and those who did were sworn to secrecy. I was afraid. I was afraid of how people would treat me. I was afraid of how people would react. I was afraid of letting people down. I was afraid of not being good enough. I was afraid of losing my job. I was afraid of everything.

Very soon after my diagnosis, I moved to Texas. It was a difficult task; convincing my parents that I could make the move. I had to show them that I knew what was waiting for me in the real world. I made a budget, showed that I could do my own shopping and take care of myself... but honestly, I had no idea what was waiting for me. 

The real world can be an unforgiving place. 90 days into my dream job, it slipped away. That afternoon, in a fit of anger, I wrote a post on an Aspergers group on facebook. I thought it was a secret group... I was wrong. My mom called me and told me to take it down, but it was too late. I didn't know it at the time, but several people back home had already seen it. 

The amazing thing is that those who saw it started to understand. They realized that I never meant to say the wrong thing or act the wrong way; it was something I couldn't prevent. Several of my friends approached my mom and talked to her about it. I didn't find out for a few months, but when I did, I didn't really know what to think. I was still uncomfortable with people knowing.

But as each day passes, I feel like I am embracing who I am. A large part of me is my Aspergers and it always will be. I can either hide it for the rest of my life and be ashamed of a part of myself or I can proudly wear my Aspergers as a badge of honor. It's not always sunshine and roses, but I need to look at it that way.

A few months ago, I noticed that I began slipping my Aspergers into the rare conversation. Someone would comment about my vast knowledge of technology or something that brought it to my mind and I would make a passing comment. Sometimes the person responded and sometimes it was completely glossed over. The response was always the same: "I never would have guessed". I guess that's how I went undiagnosed for so long. 

It's interesting that I felt more comfortable slipping a comment about Aspergers into a conversation with a stranger versus a friend, but I truthfully didn't care about what the stranger thought of me. I was terrified of being patronized, protected, and looked at differently by those whose opinions I cared about the most. 

Over the past 20 days or so, since I began my blog, I've started to emerge even more from my cover. Before, nothing about my Aspergers was in my name... now my blog is connected to my google plus account. I've begun sharing my blog with at least one new person every day. I have still not shared it as a link on my facebook account, but I have sent links to it via messages to certain friends, old teachers, family members, co-workers, and online friends. I've also shared the link with my psychologist and my counselor from college, with the hopes that my blog will both give them insight into my mind and/or help one of their other patients or clients. 

I don't know that I'll ever shout it from the rooftops, but I know that, at least today, I'm not so undercover anymore.